Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
