Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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