how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
