I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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