ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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