our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i think im in europe. pls send help
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
