Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
