woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
