i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
