I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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