tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
