WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
