i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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