you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
