Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
