My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
