Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
