I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
