Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
