i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
