my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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