if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
