WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
