Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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