70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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