why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
