One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
