how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
