Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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