when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
