Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
