I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I think a kid would responsible me up
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
