well you can't waste a boner
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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