i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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