So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
