Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
