What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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