How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Randomize
