I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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