All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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