All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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