So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
