I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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