So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
