you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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