WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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