Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You made out with two different species that night
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
