I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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