I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
