I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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