Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
