ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
