I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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