remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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